Reflection and Revision are constantly constant.

Once upon a time I lived in Florida.

And Twice upon a time I had no life there.

And Three times upon a time wished I was somewhere else doing something else.






Maybe it was more then three times....



I kept an online journal. Kind of like this one, except the only person who read it was me.

Sometimes I go back and to read it again.

It makes me smile

It makes me cry

It makes me laugh

It makes me thankful to be what I am, and how I got here.

I'm going to share a couple of entries from this dark time of mine. My intention in doing so is to educate you a bit on what situation I was in, and what I have learned from it.

I'm going back to Florida this month, I'm not sure I even want to go, But I have to. It's a time of reflection for myself and what I have done. It's a time of justification for believing in something that no one could see except for me. It's a time for pretty much letting those people know that I'm fucking right.

I am fucking right.

Shall we begin?


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Pre-Notes--- To start this adventure off with a little bit of flare. The first entry I am going to share is a bit revealing, but why the fuck not right? I find it funny.

JOURNAL ENTRY Sep 22, 2006

-Random Thought Fucking Fridays #9-Pulchritude at it's finest, For Serious.

Entry 6-

6.----Warning-----(Explicit material and sexual content incoming. If you can not handle it, or don't want to see it, please skip to the next RTF)

Ok so I was in the middle of my sleep, and probably some dream about Lust and Desire when I heard a knock at my door. It was my mom, and she decided to stop at my house on her way to Miami, just to say hi. My mom happens to be the most insane crazy ass person, while at the same time not being clinically diagnosed as such. So she walks around my house doing a lot of things I ask her not to do, and I told her I needed sleep for work which was to no avail. So I get back in bed and put the covers over my head because I believe it's a shield to the outside world and will save me. She was about to leave and asked me a couple questions, and I was not answering them as usual, when I see her look at the counter and walk over to it and pick up a tube of ID glide. Now for those of you who don't know, Yes ID glide is a lubrication. I admit that I have it, and I do use it for those lonely lonely nights. We will just leave it at that. So she has it in her hand, and I am asking myself how this is happening. To my complete and utter astonishment, she squirts a whole bunch in her hand, bends over and proceeds to flare her hair while rubbing the ID glide all in it. At this point in time, I am half dying inside from laughter while the other half is pretty shocked at what the fuck is going on. She finished up, and then walked around for another five minutes because she never leaves when she says she will. I noticed her check like three times to see if the "Gel" was stiffening and that she was disappointed that it wasn't. She eventually left, and probably
spent the whole day with Jack off lotion in her hair.


Post-Notes--- I don't have any ID glide right now. HI MOM, sorry I never told you. But I guess it's funny to learn what ya did now huh?


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Pre-Notes--- This was a little humorous children's rhyme I worked on for a little bit. I'm not sure why, I guess I just wanted to rhyme a lot like a rapper. I was leaving Florida soon, so the topic was that.

My rapping career has yet to take off.

But I want to be an actor.

And the only way to land a big movie these days is to be a rapper.

I can do it!

Journal Entry Oct 19, 2006


"There once was a man who lived in cave
Who was always so lonely and always unshaved
With shorts and shirts and papers about
He went threw the days without cleaning them out

Sitting and typing in front of the glow
To the only friend he currently knows
Aware how he lives and wanting a change
He searched for some help from a very far range

Arizona. Arizona, are you there? are you there?
I'm stuck in this place of daily despair
Can you help me? Can you save me? I'm hoping you will
I've got this emptiness that I'm dying to fill

So with help from afar and a little from near
Plans were made to set changes in gear
All would be good and all would be fine
But funds were to low, a shitty bad sign

What could be done to solve complications
Stealing and lying brought to much frustrations
He would of worked hard and got it with ease
But he held a job that yielded no cheese

Learning some things don't work as you plan
And life is that way so you do what you can
He packed up and left without much to his name
And left his old life for a new one to claim"

Post-Notes--- Looking back on this little poem of mine, it's actually quite profound to me. I have done so many wonderful things here, that I'm just very thankful that I understood what was out there waiting for me, and that I couldn't let anything get in my way.


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Pre-Notes--- This is something that is very important to me. It is a little passage that I wrote, that was probably the culmination of my understanding that I was not happy where I was at. I was a delinquent and frequenting the casino a lot. I took the setting and put it into a lot of metaphor for the actions that I was taking in order to change my life, many of them being very risky. Kind of like gambling with your future 8P.

Journal Entry June 27, 2006


Now educated on how to let a part of himself die, it was time for resurrection. So on with armor for insecurities, and off to the city of lights and sex, the city of regrets, to suffocate in false indulgence, and upset the plans of time. With the constant fall of wind across his skin, and dodging cars that harbor eyes not quite aware of what they cannot see, the castle of dreams arrived in elegance, accepting all to be devoured, and whom all impatiently await there turn. Why was he here? As though the thought had just occurred. And why couldn't he turn away from this doorway to a better life, this exit from ones ripped apart? "Just shut up...and have fun" he whispered to himself, and while choking on his own words, he slipped into the halls of fate.

Post-Notes--- Everytime I read this it just makes me have the chills. I remember leaving my house at about 4 am in the morning one night, and starting to write this in my head. Rough times heh. If you want to know kind of what It felt like. Go download Tom Mcrae "You Cut Her Hair" And listen to it at 4 am in the morning while your driving alone on the road. Just give it a whirl, and let me know how you felt. And no it's not the same unless you listen ALONE DRIVING AT FOUR FUCKING AM ON FULL VOLUME.


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Pre-Notes--- Ok I am going to leave one more for you, and a lot of you have probably read this already. Oh well if you have. It's very very important to me. I wrote it the week I was leaving. I hope you all read it and take to heart what I was trying to say to everyone and myself.

Journal Entry Oct 26, 2006

-----I went to the beach today, I wrote two letters. One for myself, and one for everyone else. Below is the one for you all. Enjoy.-------

Farewell Florida

This is it, this is goodbye. I enjoyed my time here, and I'm grateful for every experience I have had. I am content with my past and myself. But you see, there is this thing called happiness that I hear about all the time, Rarely actually seeing it. What it is I couldn't really explain, but I'm pretty sure every single person has a different way of achieving it. They all have their own complexion and substances, but I like to believe the underline to everyone's would be something like this.

-Can you look around at your life and the people around you, and know that this is it, there is no where you would rather be, and that this is where you want to stay? Can you wake up every morning with a smile on your face, and have the feeling of excitement to go to sleep, just because you get to wake up again.-

I can't really put into words what will make us happy, or what it will consist of, the truth is I really don't know. But what we do have to understand is what will not make us happy, and to separate ourselves from everything and anything that would lead to us to that kind of life. I can't explain to anyone the exact reasons why I quit school, or why I'm moving across the united states to pursue dreams that everyone has, and to which everyone then says are unachievable. I just know in my heart what is the right thing for me, and I wouldn't allow myself to stay in a situation that most people let themselves sink into, desperate, drowning, and dead. My advice to anyone reading this wouldn't be along the lines of following in my footsteps or to take huge risk and adventures, but I would ask them to look at their own life and truly ask if this is what they want for themselves, if the answer is no, then you are one of the many that are already dying. Can you take the actions to prevent your life from being a waste? Can you be not only content, but fulfilled by your past, present, and future? Can you take that old mirror cliche to heart, and like the person you see, because it really is a true measure of happiness.

I can, and I always will, because I know who I am and what I want, and nothing can stop me.-


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Someone told me last week to keep going.

I asked them where to.

They told me to wherever I want, but to keep going. Open heart and bleeding on this internet journal of mine.

It seems like I am told every day now to write a book.

So the whole point of this journal entry is to tell you all that I am going to do that for those of you who want me to.

I am going to write about my journey from a life that was nothing.

For Those of you who enjoy my photography.

For Those of you who enjoy my writing.

For Those of you who enjoy my excessive use of the space bar.

I Must Be Dead-A Manual Biography-part 21+

Coming soon....



--People seemed to enjoy the last slideshow I made them. So In the spirit of this journal, I went threw my photos and picked out some that were made me laugh for another slideshow. Now these most likely won't make you laugh. But they are important to me for a reason, probably because of what was being said while it was taken. So sorry for inside jokes! Mostly just pictures of my friends. But it'll give you a little glimpse into my world past the edited photos I put up.

SLIDESHOW


-- I think I have softened up :devjessmarie: a bit, and got her interested in taking a photo. And yes she reads my journal, and yes shes probably reading this right now, and no I have no idea if this is a good or bad thing to be blurting out. I gave up trying to say the right thing a long time ago.

I have a really brilliant idea waiting for her. So we all need to rally behind IMBD and spam her into giving in.


--I love fan art! I'm not sure these are even considered fan art, but people told me they were thinking of me when they did them, so I am putting them in my journal! If you have not done fan art for me, what the fuck are you waiting for?

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I'm going to start featuring one artist per journal.

:devKelc: is the first one I am featuring. She has such wonderful colors in her photos.

Drop her a line and a watch!

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HAVE A GOOD WEEK!