Wednesday, February 13, 2008

A Day at the Wal-Part 2

--Hour 7--

A bunch of people told me that it was likely I was going to get kicked out, and even my best friend said he didn't think I would make it past 9pm.

The reality is, that none of the employees seem to recognize me or care to give me trouble.

It's plausible that I'm not much to recognize I guess, but I think it's more likely that I move with stealth like ninja like ghost like speed.

There was one person the really pissed that shit out of me though, because obviously I'm trying desperately to shy away from starring directly at a clock constantly, and he became a big problem in this endeavor.

This is him.

As you can see, he is playing on the Playstation 3.

The Playstation 3 was also apart of my elite plan to not think about anything, brain dead if you will. I thought it was going to work swell.

Until this little mini-terrorist fuck decided to take it up FOREVER.

I thought his mom dropped him off here for the day in a some sort of money/emotional saving scheme.

Don't quote me, please don't fucking quote me, but I'm going to estimate he was playing Tekken 5 for about two hours.

There two things wrong with this scenArio.

One- Tekken is gay

Two- It's a demo and you can only be one guy for one fight.

Honestly, I don't mind being a voyeur, I can watch people play a video game or play sports or have sex without having a go myself, in the name of time waisting.

But what I cannot do, is tolerate abandoned little boys who have no conscious that there is a twenty-two year old rednecky looking man who is marooned behind him, whom is about to pop and lock his ass out of the way, like Eddy.

--Hour 8--

I did manage to apply myself for one hour, and do something that might actually be interesting to other people. (Normal people I mean, since supposedly people on Deviantart enjoy the way I write, which is odd.)

I sat by the front entrance and marked down whether more “White Trash” Or “Blue Collar” people walked into this place.

You might think the answer would be obvious, and that might be in conjunction with the fact that every time you walk into a Wal-Mart, it's all to easy to spot someone who makes your life seem like peaches.

But I shit you not when I say more “Blue Collar” people walked in.

Is the reputation that Wal-Mart has for being the center of filthy crummy goods for filthy crummy people false?

Is Wal-Mart in reality the hip place to shop?

Is my study group completely and utterly one-sided because I live in a nice town?

Is my study group completely and utterly one-sided because it's the only superstore for ten miles?

Is my study group completely and utterly one-sided because I'm an idiot?

The answer to all these questions is...


And that might confuse you.

That might leave you saying “Hey that makes no sense!”

But you know what makes even more no sense.

Reading and enjoying a journal about a guy who spent the day in Wal-Mart.

Go get normal...

--Hour 9--

Employee- “Sir, can I ask you what you are doing?”

M- “I'm resting my eyes.”

Employee- “I'm going to have to ask you to leave.”

M- “I disagree.”

Employee- “You can't sleep here sir, it's against the rules.”

M- “I'm waiting for my wife, can I wait for my wife? Is that against the rules?”

Employee- “You don't have a ring on sir.”

M- “What the fuck do you think I'm doing in Wal-Mart?”

Employee- “I don't understand what your trying to say.”

M- “I don't understand why you're hassling me.”

Employee- “I'm not hassling you sir, I just can't have you hibernating while other people are shopping.”

M- “I'm certainly not hibernating, and even if I was, I wouldn't be bothering anyone.”

Employee- “Can you please just go find your wife and stay by her sir.?

M- “I don't have a wife, I'm trying to stay here for 24 hours.”

Employee- “Why would you want to do that.”

M- “I don't know.”

Employee- “We'll you can't sleep, you have to buy something.”

M- “I don't have to buy anything, I'm done anyways, where is the restroom.”

Employee- “Ummm it's in the middle by the front.”

M- “Ok, thanks a lot. Bye.”

--Hour 10--

I found bathroom in the back. It was the Family/Handicap bathroom. One of the single room ones, that has it's one lock and such.

I went inside and locked the door with no intentions of leaving anytime soon.

This would be home base for the time being. A place where I was alone and maybe had the chance to sleep.

I settled against the wall, I closed my eyes...

Knock Knock.

I dozed off, how much time went by? Is it like morning yet?

Knock Knock.

Someone wants to get in? Should I leave? Should I flush the toilet first so they think I was actually using it?

If I ignore it will they just leave?

I'm just going to ignore it....

Knock Knock.

Holy shit I hear keys, they went and got someone who works here to open it.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

--The only person in a fucking wheel chair in human history who has to urinate in a retail store at 1am.

At least I got out before they opened it and found me sleeping.

I dozed off for twenty minutes.

It wasn't morning.

It wasn't even close.

--Hour 11--

I'm sitting on a bench with a Dean Koontz book I picked up and started reading. I am half way threw the book before I realize I've done nothing for virtually the last couple hours but read this book.

No new material to tell you about, nothing that I could conjure into a story of wit and grace to please your souls.

It was just nothing...

That isn't why I came here. I'm not winning anything special if I make the full twenty four hours. I came here because I thought it would be fun to write about.

But it's not anymore, after almost twelve hours I have lost any enthusiasm for even trying to think of something to say.

I'm only hoping and wishing this book will get me threw the night.

Things have become boring, so boring I have nothing to say anymore, which is unusual for me. I could care less about being here if it doesn't make me want to write anything funny

Time to switch it up.

I'm leaving.

But I'm not going home...I set out to have a experience to tell you all about, and I feel as if I haven't quite accomplished that.

Where will I be going at 2am? What could you do at this time to make things interesting for not only myself and the people reading.

I'm going to the Casino.


Part 3 soon.

Sorry I didn't make it! Forgive me though. I had to keep it interesting! (People like :devamericanhacker: couldn't deal with Wal-mart being so boring.

More in a couple days!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

A Day at the Wal-Part 1.

Life sucks with no camera, yeap yeap. Sorry for the lack of updates. Soon though, soon.


--Hour 1--

I have arrived at Wal-Mart exactly a half hour after I woke up. I think that is pretty good, considering I spent that half hour telling my self I really didn't want to go threw with it. I am sorry for ever coming up with the idea in the first place. I had a whole poll and whatnot though, and told my friend I believed I could make it, So I guess I kind of felt obliged to go through with this nonsense.

Nonsense tends to fallow me around for some reason.

I'm tired, and not particularly in the right state of mind, so I'm struggling before I even have a chance to realize I'm only ten minutes in. Me and nonsense decide to have a look around, and get our bearings.

It's definitely a Fucking a Wal-Mart.

And I'm definitely Fucking here.

--Hour 2--

After having a bit of a looksy, I felt like I needed to blend into my surroundings a little better. Get into the spirit of the Wal you could say. So I headed for the hunting section and found myself a nice hunting vest, and camouflage hat that said “Dodge” on it.

This will make me appear like a redneck quite splendidly.

Is splendidly even a word? I guess so, because the little red squiggly lines have not shown up under it.

Spell check-45,678

Anyways, I felt as though my outfit was not quite complete. It needed something a bit more, It needed to shout hick, and it wasn't quite there. I browsed around and found myself a turtleneck warmer type thingie, I don't even know what you call them, but it was red and went around my neck,so it was perfect.

My transformation from normal to white trash was complete.

--Hour 3--

I guess since this is going to be home for the time being I might as well help myself to more then just clothes. I'm definitely going to need some food, it's essential to survival you know, but first I'm going to get me a notepad to write on.

I actually hate fucking writing down shit, and I rarely need to because my memory is fucking elite, but I will just make a note or two just in case I get sidetracked. If you can't tell, when I'm writing I get easily sidetracked. Most of my conversations are similar, going off on tangents that few can follow.

Maybe the reason I have few friends.

Maybe the reason I can count the number of girls I've kissed with the number 1.

I'm pretty sure I don't need this notebook, but one of my secret missions while I'm here is to steal a lot of shit.

So I'm taking every chance I get.

--Hour 4--

The object of this game is really quite simple.

Kill time and you shall succeed.

Killing time requires two things. Motivation and “shit to do”

We have established that I have no motivation to be here, and I know what you're saying, well no shit it's a Wal-Mart and your trying to spend the day there, and it's probably gayer then two guys Fucking. But that's not what I mean, I totally expected this to be rough, but for some reason I decided to come on a day I had no energy to help me kill time.

So since I'm not going to help myself, I was relying on “shit to do” to keep my interest and cut away at the time. Naturally I headed to the electronic section as my number one chance to get threw this blight, and was truly let down to figure out that Wal-Mart doesn't play movies on their displayed TV's. They just play a bunch of infomercials on repeat every five minutes.

I'm not in marketing or anything, but I'm pretty sure the way you make someone interested in buying your product is to make them feel like they need your product. And I'm not in marketing or anything, but I'm pretty sure watching a good movie on a TV far superior to mine, makes me want it.

I guess they figured the average attention span of the people who shop at their store, couldn't possibly exceed thirty seconds.

I have lost my number one ally because people are retarded. This makes me very sad.

I end up watching it for about a half hour anyways, and still had the urge to purchase a 50” TV.

--Hour 5--

I don't know if any of you have ever seen the movie “Career Opportunities”, and if you haven't then you should. It's not the best movie ever, but it makes you feel really happy because the main character gets to do something I'm pretty sure everyone has fantasized about sometime in their life.

My situation isn't exactly the same, and unlike him the amount of fun I'm having is somewhere in the range of shit. The one thing we do have in common though, is isles and isles of food at our disposal.

And since I'm trying out my clepto skills, I'm pretty much eating myself stupid, and not paying for any of it. I kind of feel like when I was a little kid and I went to that friends house who's mom bought them all types of snacks your parents didn't. You go into this psychotic fat ass rage and eat anything you get your hands on because it's free and a rare occasion.

Like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory you could say.

Except Macky in fucking Wal-Mart.

The pace at which I'm running around and ravaging anything edible is probably comparable.

--Hour 6--

When I proposed to you all that I was going to do this, a bunch of you suggested these list that were floating around, the 100 things to do in Wal-Mart. I took a look at them, and thought some ideas were pretty humorous. It's not really my style though, I don't particularly get off on shit like that anymore, because I'm an old bitch.

I did figure I would start making my own list though, and that it would probably keep me busy to try and come up with things to do.

So without further delay, here is the I Must Be Dead list of 100 things to do when stuck in Wal-Mart.

1.Fucking Kill Yourself
2.Fucking Kill Yourself
3.Fucking Kill Yourself
4.Fucking Kill Yourself
5.Fucking Kill Yourself
6.Fucking Kill Yourself
7.Fucking Kill Yourself
8.Fucking Kill Yourself
9.Fucking Kill Yourself
10.Fucking Kill Yourself
11.Fucking Kill Yourself
12.Fucking Kill Yourself
13.Fucking Kill Yourself
14.Fucking Kill Yourself
15.Fucking Kill Yourself
16.Fucking Kill Yourself
17.Fucking Kill Yourself
18.Fucking Kill Yourself
19.Fucking Kill Yourself
20.Fucking Kill Yourself
21.Fucking Kill Yourself
22.Fucking Kill Yourself
23.Fucking Kill Yourself
24.Fucking Kill Yourself
25.Fucking Kill Yourself
26.Fucking Kill Yourself
27.Fucking Kill Yourself
28.Fucking Kill Yourself
29.Fucking Kill Yourself
30.Fucking Kill Yourself
31.Fucking Kill Yourself
32.Fucking Kill Yourself
33.Fucking Kill Yourself
34.Fucking Kill Yourself
35.Fucking Kill Yourself
36.Fucking Kill Yourself
37.Fucking Kill Yourself
38.Fucking Kill Yourself
39.Fucking Kill Yourself
40.Fucking Kill Yourself
41.Fucking Kill Yourself
42.Fucking Kill Yourself
43.Fucking Kill Yourself
44.Fucking Kill Yourself
45.Fucking Kill Yourself
46.Fucking Kill Yourself
47.Fucking Kill Yourself
48.Fucking Kill Yourself
49.Fucking Kill Yourself
50.Fucking Kill Yourself
51.Fucking Kill Yourself
52.Fucking Kill Yourself
53.Fucking Kill Yourself
54.Fucking Kill Yourself
55.Fucking Kill Yourself
56.Fucking Kill Yourself
57.Fucking Kill Yourself
58.Fucking Kill Yourself
59.Fucking Kill Yourself
60.Fucking Kill Yourself
61.Fucking Kill Yourself
62.Fucking Kill Yourself
63.Fucking Kill Yourself
64.Fucking Kill Yourself
65.Fucking Kill Yourself
66.Fucking Kill Yourself
67.Fucking Kill Yourself
68.Fucking Kill Yourself
69.Fucking Kill Yourself
70.Fucking Kill Yourself
71.Fucking Kill Yourself
72.Fucking Kill Yourself
73.Fucking Kill Yourself
74.Fucking Kill Yourself
75.Fucking Kill Yourself
76.Fucking Kill Yourself
77.Fucking Kill Yourself
78.Fucking Kill Yourself
79.Fucking Kill Yourself
80.Fucking Kill Yourself
81.Fucking Kill Yourself
82.Fucking Kill Yourself
83.Fucking Kill Yourself
84.Fucking Kill Yourself
85.Fucking Kill Yourself
86.Fucking Kill Yourself
87.Fucking Kill Yourself
88.Fucking Kill Yourself
89.Fucking Kill Yourself
90.Fucking Kill Yourself
91.Fucking Kill Yourself
92.Fucking Kill Yourself
93.Fucking Kill Yourself
94.Fucking Kill Yourself
95.Fucking Kill Yourself
96.Fucking Kill Yourself
97.Fucking Kill Yourself
98.Fucking Kill Yourself
99.Fucking Kill Yourself
100.Fucking Steal Chocolate


More in a bit, don't die on me, it's coming.

Also wanted to throw a feature out there, not for any reason other then I said I would.



I'm standing in front of a sacred shrine that is full of beauty and splendor. It is a tribute to America, The American Way, The American people, The United States Of America, and the U.S.A.

Maybe even a tribute to Canada and Mexico, since they get to touch us.

Better known as the Texas Roadhouse, it is my destination for this evening. I was promised a free meal at the slaughterhouse temple of my choosing, if I was to endure a month without consuming meat. Although the trial was difficult( As you can tell from previous journals) I was able accomplish this feat.

The main goal of why we are here is to pop my cherry back into omnivorism.

But there are sub-goals involved as well...

The first is to get “a little bit tipsy” aka “a lotta bit tipsy.”

The second is Death via Prime Rib.

When we started telling others of our little wager, people would ask me if I thought I might get sick, or have a stomach ache if I ate freakishly healthy for a month, and then all of a sudden consumed terrible terrible things in one sitting. I naturally became curious as to if their was any truth to this concern, but rather then research any possibility of harm, I decided to engage the situation with disregard, and some would say enthusiasm.

I guess I kind of feel like bull fighter, coming face to face with danger.

“What if you die?” They would ask.

“Then I die.” I would answer

Except I'm not holding a red cloth, facing a two ton animal with large pointy horns.

At least not one that is alive.....

Nevertheless, we are anticipating injury, we are anticipating nausea, we are anticipating hospitalization.

It's a very exciting time for the IMBD camp. (I'm fully aware that my camp of people is entirely out of their minds, but we are a group of geniuses, and so our actions are disregarded when inarticulate)

There is electricity in the air, and electro-magnetic-pulsar-lites or whatever the fuck it is they put in Gatorade, running threw my body. I drank a couple to be sure I was ready.

I believe I am ready.

The hostess fucks up my name when calling us for the table, which is expected and happens every time, since my name rhymes with half the English dictionary. I have an unusual vigor for the taste of blood on my mind though, and she is the gateway to my cure, so I forgive her.

I'm not really here to fuck around, so we order quickly.

I go with bacon cheese fries for an appetizer, followed by a 16oz prime rib medium rare, with loaded mash potatoes, and seasoned rice. For my beverage I get a Miller Light draft.

I don't really remember the bacon cheese fries all that much, it's a bit hazy as to what happened to them. I believe I consumed them in some sort of flurry, but I was already on my second draft, so I could have been mistaken.

When the main course arrived, everyone was staring at me like some sort of zoo exhibit, mostly because I probably looked like that kid in my sweet tooth picture. I'm used to being an exhibit though, so I did not wilt under pressure. The first bite was almost as a good as when I lost my virginity. Which was when I was 16 in a hotel room in Ohio, which I had drove 3,000 miles to the day before in a car with no brakes, which I had to sell to a junkyard and fly back home. That is a different and way more interesting story then this one, but I'm not going to discuss it further.

It was so good that I decided to write a little poem for it, which I will share with you now.

Oh sweet sweet meat
How you make sweet meat love to my meatless tummy
Is like two lovers loving lovingly
And I know not of your past, or where you come from
But you are tender to me now, and make me feel warm when you are so deep inside of me
And that is all that matters

I was a little bit woozy at first, but other then that, I did not feel any sort of sickness coming on. Looking back I'm not sure why I expected to. I have the craziest immune system ever, I only get sick about once a year, and when I do you can literally sit there and watch me go in and out of it in a span of a couple hours. I have Blood Type : Badass, and I guess it takes a bit more then a slab of meat and cheese to take me down. It was actually a bit disappointing, and had I not been drunk, I might of cared more.

Instead my roommate turned my attention to our pretty waitress, whom he declared was my perfect type.

She came over and flirted a bit and asked how everything was.

I flirted back by cleverly saying “Everything is great, thanks.”

She walked away, probably to tell her friends about me, or my immune system.

All in all, I was a vegetarian for a month, it sucked balls, I don't like sucking balls, so it was un-enjoyable. The fun came from challenging myself to do something once thought unthinkable, and actually following threw with it. I can honestly say I came away with learning a bit, and think other people should give it a whirl.

As for myself.....

I would much rather just stick to eating other living things and being an American Badass.


It has come time again to try and reach a comment goal that is as ridiculous as the very content of my journal. Although it was very ugly, we were successful in our attempt to reach 500 comments in one day. So now I have put forth a new challenge, the massive bitch of a number 1,000. What is the reason you say? I have nothing to do today, and I'm bored, and it is as simple as that. So I urge you to engage in any and every type of conversation you possibly can with me, but not only me, other people as well.

We need an orgy of incoherent thoughts, a cesspool of stupidity, a circus of comments to one and all.

I will start this marathon by saying.

The Color Red is way better then the Color Blue....DISCUSS!


I am also submitting this as a news article, because my journal is more important than the presidential race.

Digg it HERE

Imustbedead Guide To Deviantart

So it's been one year since I joined the the ranks of Deviantart, and sold my first seven unborn children to the devil in order to produce better photographs. I know seven sounds like a lot, but the devil doesn't fuck around really. It was a bargain in my opinion though, because I've even surprised myself with the work that I've done this year. Even if I did not have a shit ton of people on different sites looking at these pictures, I believe I would still do them, because they make me smile everyday.

I do have a shit ton of people on different sites looking at these pictures though, and that is the topic we are here to discuss.

Before we get to that though, I'm going to sort of “toot” my own horn as they would say.

Please click RIGHT HERE before reading on.

There are a bunch of stats that we could go over in order to show my accomplishments this year, but there is only one that I would really like to bring to light. Which is that I have submitted 57 deviations to the conceptual category. Which comes out to over one conceptual photo a week.

These deviations are not you're vague, ambiguous, blurry, sissy, fence sitting, pussy cream puff kind of photos. They all convey a strong meaning, most times clear, and with good taste. For one reason or another I have a generally good idea quite often, and have the ability and motivation to turn it into something more the just a thought. I'm very tired of hearing people say that they would do it, except they are lacking models or money. I don't think this is a valid excuse, because I frequently find that I have to use my friends or myself, and have a budget of a couple dollars for a photo, and still getting the job done. If page views or watchers or any of that kind of stuff does not impress you, then I hope my contribution to the conceptual category on DA does.

I was also going to complain in this section about the fact that I did not have a DD yet, but that was fixed last week, which was awesome. My one gripe with it though is that it was an Admin feature and on his own accord. How am I supposed to have an army help me take over the world, if my army does not even suggest me for DD's. We need to get on that people Jesus Fuck.

That being said, we will move on to the topic at hand, and that is how to get popular on DA.

    ++How To Get Popular On Deviantart.++

--Disclaimer 1--

This is not a tutorial on how to make better art, I haven't the slightest clue how to help you on that subject. If you are a shitty artist, (which of course is an opinion, and to which mine is not the only determining factor, but we all know a shitty artist when we see one) then anything I say below will mostly likely not help you at all. It is not enough to be good at art anymore, you have to be amazing. It is not enough to spend some time on getting better anymore, you have to spend everyday working at it. It's not enough to make art that people like anymore, you have to make art that people NEED. When you think you are in that range, then maybe some of the tips below will help you get where to want to go.

--Disclaimer 2--

Whether popular is the correct word to be used I'm not sure. Some would consider me a well known artist on here, while others would say I'm still just a blip on the screen. Regardless, I have compiled my thoughts on how one might go about getting more noticed on DA. My observations and understanding of how this site operates, and how the people that use this site operate, has in my experience helped me gain a wider audience, and I believe might help you as well when combined with your own knowledge. All in all though, these are not facts, and are merely my opinion. They are not guaranteed to bring you glory and fame, and should not be viewed as such. Although if you prefer to contribute your success and riches one day to reading my journal, then I will expect some royalties.

--Disclaimer 3--

Seriously Read Disclaimer 1 and 2 again.


There are three numbers you should be concerned with on Deviantart, which are the determining factors of whether you are a noticed artist or not.

-Page views

This might seem like an obvious thing to say, but most people don't realize that they really work and play off each other. For the people who claim one of these is not that important, you really need to shut the fuck up and get your head out of your ass. More favorites means more circulation, more watchers means more exposure, and more page views means more people trying to see more of your work. There are a plenty of people on DA who have a photo with 5,000 favorites, but under 100 watchers, simple because they got one DD, or got a photo up on Digg. This does not really mean that you are successful, unless you consider being a one hit wonder the pinnacle of your life's accomplishments.

I'm not really interested in that type of scenario, and hopefully you are not either. What you you really want, is for people to not only look at one of your photos, but feel like they have to browse the rest of your gallery, or take a look at your journal, thereby increasing not only one stat, but all three.

This all falls under one goal in mind, and that is building your persona as an artist. Regardless of what art you participate in on this site, it's important that you give off a certain kind of impression of yourself and your work, so that people do not see you as just another deviant using the site, but as an artist that is the REASON they are using the site. Of course there are probably a million things you could do right or wrong in the process of producing this effect, but I will begin with just some that I have noticed in my own experience.


“Favorite Suicide” is a term I have come to use around my friends that means regardless of how good your photo is, that if you do one of these mistakes, then it could impede on the amount of favorites you receive. I will discuss them individually in a moment. For now though, some of them are...

Submitting two photos at the same time is “Favorite Suicide”
Submitting a photo without some form of a comment is “Favorite Suicide”
Submitting a photo at peak hours is “Favorite Suicide”
Submitting a photo with a frame that is not in good taste is “Favorite Suicide”
Submitting a photo you don't like, but submit anyways to pad stats is “Favorite Suicide”

1.-Submitting two photos at the same time is “Favorite Suicide”

I regard this as a favorite suicide because when you give someone to many options, they will in most cases only select one, or not select one at all. If you put up two of the same photograph at the same time, you are putting viewers in this situation. Whereas if you hold them off between each other for a day or two, or even week, then you increase the chance of them favoriting both. Overtime this adds up quite a bit. Submitting more then two photos at the same time is just plain silly, and nothing irks me more then seeing someone submit every photo on their computer, multiple times a day, please relax on that kk thx.

A sub problem many people run into is not only submitting more the one photo at a time, but photos that look very similar. For instance they do a model shoot and decide to put up five or ten shots from that shoot. I find this to be a very big mistake because when people view photographs or art, they are looking at a moment in time, and are being given a view into that moment. People want to believe in the emotions of the character, people want to believe they are looking that character in their element and what they are feeling. When you submit the whole photo shoot you did with a model, you are coming off as just a photographer, and not an artist. I sometimes sit with a model for an excessive amount of time looking at photos from a shoot, I would love to show them all to you, but I make very hard decisions on usually one photo to submit, in order to give the illusion to you that you are viewing a work of art or an expressed idea, and not just a slide show of someone in 45 different angles. It would be the equivalent of going to the movie theater and having to choose between five different endings of that movie before you buy the ticket, In theory that might sound like a good idea, but I assure you at a subconscious and sort of conscious level, it bad business. You are their for an experience, and it's the job of the director to provide you with story you enjoy, and not multiple alternatives that will in the end leave you feeling nothing. Frankly in a nutshell, you are killing the moment, by showing someone to much of that moment, and I don't really think this site should be used in that manor. Save that for Flickr (Har Har).

2. Submitting a photo without some form of a comment is “Favorite Suicide”

I come across people telling me all the time that they are favoriting just because of the comments I leave, or that they enjoy my work not only because of the work itself, but of the explanation I leave for it. The comment section is a tool itself in gaining favorites if you use it correctly. Talking about your camera equipment or what exposure you used and such is all well and good, but in the end just boring information. I've told multiple friends and acquaintances, that all they need to do is talk about how they felt or what they were thinking while doing the photo. Maybe even a funny joke that was said during the process of making it. Just anything to give viewers a glimpse into who you are and how you think is enjoyable to them. It's all about building a persona, and in the comment section is where a lot of that happens, if you frequent my photos often then you probably have a pretty good idea of what I mean or how I roll when it comes to comments. I come off a certain way I guess you could say, and a lot of people like that. I use it to my advantage, and without a doubt in my mind, has contributed greatly to the amount of favorites I receive. If you want an example just look at “The Fake Lovers.”

So don't leave your photos naked people, I'm not saying write a novel, or pour your heart out, but it makes me sad to see a photo with the comment of “-”. So don't do it!

3. Submitting a photo at peak hours is “Favorite Suicide”

I was not around for the glory days of Deviantart, as I've obviously only been here for a year now, so I can't tell you how it used to be. What I can tell you, is that there is an asinine amount of crap that gets submitted daily at a pace that is mind boggling. I know it's a big issue on this site so I won't delve into it much, but we all know that you have to sift threw a variety of shit, before encountering something worth your time. I started submitting my photos later in the day sometimes late at night, to avoid competing with the 9,000 Americans submitting their Myspace photos. As far as I could tell, my photos stayed at the top of categories for a bit longer, and so had a initial spike of views higher then normal. Meaning that I had new people stopping by, rather then just my normal watchers.

You also have to cater to your normal watchers though, because they have to sift threw their watch list to pick photos they want to see. If you submit when everyone submits, then you are competing with often a large amount of photos, and I can guarantee a majority don't click on all those thumbs. So submitting photos at off peak hours for activity, will actually have a reverse effect on your personal activity, which is an increase.

4. Submitting a photo with a frame that is not in good taste is “Favorite Suicide”

Frames on photos is a preference of course, but I believe in the end they don't really add anything to your photos. I'm not saying they ruin all photos, and a lot of times they make a photo look really nice. For awhile I got into the feeling that I needed all my photos to be framed, and felt like my photos were not professional looking unless they were framed well. I realized after doing this for awhile though, that in the end, it didn't make my photos any better, and even sometimes had a negative effect which I will explain in a second. I started noticing that photos from not only the top artist on this site, but pretty much everywhere and in magazines were lacking something, and that was frames. I came to the conclusion that I wanted to be a good photographer and artist, and felt I did not need a good frame display to make my images powerful. What really nailed home my reasoning for not framing was I noticed that it made the image of my thumb smaller, because obviously the frame took up some space. Since it's imperative to get people to click on those little thumbs in order to get to the next step of favoriting, It's important that your thumbs also look interesting, and a frame takes away from that, if you are producing good images in their own right.

I even went as far as viewing my photos in final form before submission, not blown up, but actually on thumb scale, because having a good and interesting photo on thumb scale, calculates into more full size views. When I started doing that, I lost about all my taste for framing. I'll leave you some examples so you can see what I may be talking about.

5. Submitting a photo you don't like, but submit anyways to pad stats is “Favorite Suicide”

This one is kind of obvious for obvious reasons, which I will not obviously state, but many people do it and feel it isn't a big deal. In reality it takes away not only from yourself, but to your gallery as a whole. I've personally tried to produce a gallery that holds interest throughout, and to which someone can get lost in. We are talking the good kind of lost though, and not the lost in reasoning that leaves people saying to themselves “This photo is complete crap compared to their other stuff, why is this even here.” The answer a lot of people would give if put on the spot would be they needed attention, and feel having more photos equals more favorites which equals more viewers, which in the long run, is actually the opposite. So try and contain yourself and submit photos that you generally feel belong in your gallery.

That about does it for “Favorite Suicide.” If you avoid what I have told you too, then don't be surprised to see an increase in favorites, based on how many watchers you have of course. If you have ten watchers, I'm not really sure what kind of spike you could expect, but you definitely will see a trend haha.


Once you have people viewing and favoriting your photos, it is the your goal to get them to watch you as well. Past the fact that you might be an uber artist, and they want to watch you because of that sole reason, there are some things you can also do to lock them up, and keep them coming back.

The first thing is to follow some of the advice I gave you in the favorite section, specifically building a persona for yourself in comments. If someone feels like there is more to enjoy in your tiny section of this world wide web, then they will want to come back again someday, and on this site they make it easy by the little button we call “watch this deviant!” (Another reason DA poons Flickr btw). The problem is that button is located on your main page, and not by your deviations(which they should add).

Which leaves you to the prospect of making your main page interesting enough, that someone would want to click that nice little sweet button. Your main tool in this battle, is of course your journal section.

A couple things that you can use your journal for that people will NOT find interesting.

-Assuming people give a fuck about your personal life.
-Assuming people think you have anything remotely intelligent to say.
-Assuming people want to see 9,000 thumbs featured.
-Assuming people think you are funny.
-Assuming people will take the time to read a long story.
-Assuming people will take the time to read a short story.
-Assuming people want to give you advice or help you in any way.

All of these assumptions, can lead to your inbox being filled everyday with forty-five journals from girls or guys who think they are interesting and that someone will read them, when a majority of those don't even get clicked. I'm going to assume now that 100%(heh) of my watchers click on my journal when they go up, and I have come to the conclusion that this is because I provide them with not a journal, but entertainment. I haven't the slightest clue why my life or antics come off so entertaining to people, but they do, and so they come back again and again to get more. When people look at my journal, and see the amount of activity that goes on, then I'm guessing it's a very good reason to watch me.

I'm not suggesting you try to write a best selling novel, or mimic whatever the fuck it is that I pull off, but you do need to view your journal as a tool to entertain your friends. I'm sure there are numerous ways in which you can pull this off. Maybe stop acting like it's a journal, and treat it more like a blog. Some blogs link you to funny video clips, some blogs link you to important news that people would otherwise never know. Some people use their journals as tutorials for others. Fuck if I know, just stop talking about your day at school, or how you think your boyfriend is not in love with you anymore. It's the same crap we all have to go threw everyday, and unless you're one hell of a writer, then hearing about your particular situation is of no interest to anyone, probably including yourself.

And for the love of sweet baby jesus, stop doing features with fucking seventy two different artist, if someone wants to see good photos you like, they can just click your favorites gallery. If you are going to feature someone, ACTUALLY feature them and help them get noticed by focusing on their work alone.


Pageviews are not actually a number you can control to much, as it is a bi-product of watchers and favorites. There is one thing I learned that got me a bunch of pageviews, and it's a very simple concept. Which is to go around the site and comment on other peoples work. Many people don't realize how easy it is to gain a mass following if you devote enough time to this endeavor. I spent a long time trying to comment on 100 photos a day, kind of like it was my job. I would just click on the random deviant or deviation button and find something semi-interesting and leave a comment on it, it's just the nature of people to figure out who it is commenting on their stuff, so they will check you out.

If you really want a lot of pageviews, just go around and slander people, this may seem like a dick thing to do haha, but if you make 50 rude comments, I'll buy you a subscription if you don't get 50 pageviews out of it. Then just apologize and say it was your little brother using your account, and kindly ask them to forgive you. I don't really recommend this approach, but if you are desperate, then you are desperate.

Pretty much the best advice I got on this site, was to go and comment on other art. So I am giving this advice to you. It seems like a silly thing to suggest, because it's very obvious, but a lot of you probably just browse without commenting, and if you started doing it, then regardless of your talent, you will generate more traffic.


Well I guess that is about all I have to offer in the form of helping you attain the status of a DA god. It may seem short and simple, but that is what makes them good tips. I'm not sure if it made any sense, or if it will even help you in any sense, but that is for you to try and figure out. As for me, hopefully this year will be even better then the last. I promise you I have amazing ideas in the works, and you will be smitten with how clever I really am. I am grateful for all the people watching me, and I work hard to give you guys not just photos or stories, but the IMBD way of thinking and philosophy on life. It may not be sane or coherent, but it is what it is, which is me, which is sad, which is amusing, which is the reason I'm your drug and more addicting then crack or Chipotle.

Have a good year, see you next week.

I have also submitted this as a news article, so click HERE to digg it up so more people can see how retarded my mind works yay!

(P.S) Here are some artist that I watch, that I feel have the quality work and will soon surpass me in numbers any day now. Please check have a peek real fast.

:iconmrcool256: :iconemeraldiris:
:iconjessmarie: :iconkaywa:
:iconoceanborn-89: :iconp0rg:
:iconpuss--in--boots: :iconsankaracharya:
:iconsharadhaksar: :iconkelc:


Absolutely nothing interesting happened to me this week.

There were no highlights.

There were no special moments.

Which I guess makes me a bit uninteresting.

But I'm going to attempt to provide you with a semi-entertaining journal anyways.

Because I know for some of you I am like a drug, and I wouldn't want to deprive you of your weekly fix now would I?

So I guess I'll use my special powers.

The ability to pull completely boring shit out of my ass, and make it sound interesting.

I'm going to be on the next season of Heros.

I'm kind of like superman. Except minus the big muscles, and the ability to fly, and the super strength, and the women finding me attractive.

Speaking of super, I had the pleasure of having the same exact conversation thirty seven times about the whole hypocrite thing.

By the way, I am still a hypocrite, fifteen days in and going strong.

Someone remind me to never say anything about a serious issue ever again. To many people want to discuss it and shit.

That's so 20,000 page views ago. I can't be bothered with it anymore.

Anyways, What happened to me that was interesting? Hmmmmmmmm...

I watched about 15 hours straight of “Lost” one day. That show just never likes to give you a straight forward story do they. One thing that I am pleased about with season three though, is that Mr. Echo dies. Nothing makes me happier then seeing a religious character in a story be offed.

Even though I am firmly against shows or stories that just have asinine plots, I am a sheep to corporate television, and will continue to follow the show religiously.

And if someone wanted to off me in the story of my life based on my spiritual connection with my TV, I guess I would be OK with that, due to the previous statement I made above. Just let me know when you are going to do it, so I can not die a vegetarian.

I Also had a doctors appointment this week.

My new doctor is Chinese, which for some odd reason makes me feel like he is more of a real doctor then a normal doctor. He said my blood pressure was amazing, and he also checked my bits and pieces, which is sadly the closest thing I've had to action in quite some time.

He would probably also diagnose me with being very demented for even writing the joke in the above line.

So let us move on shall we?

Right after I left the doctors office, I went to Chipotle, and to my surprise they had raised their burritos by 50 cents. This should of probably made me angry, but when they charged my credit card it came out to $6.00 even.

This made me uncontrollably happy.

I was probably an accountant in a past life.

Or the Devil.

Or an accountant for the Devil.

Would he even need money?

Does Satan have good credit?

I have good credit.

Does this make me ineligible?

I'm trying to write this journal in less then twenty minutes.

So sorry if the thoughts are random and such, I'm not going to check if it's even coherent.

The other day I was to busy to walk twenty feet to my own bathroom so I used my roommates bathroom. He had an empty bottle of Listerine, I had never seen an empty bottle in my life, so I thought they had a come out with a new clear Listerine. I even picked it up thinking it was full. This may not seem significant, but the only reason he is using it is because he has a girlfriend living with him now.

The lesson is that women change you, and you should avoid them at all cost.

I will disregard my own advice of course, and you probably should also.

Ok well it's 6am and I'm completely out of anything random or funny to say.

I have to go hiking in a couple hours. I let someone talk me into it somehow.

Actually I can't even remember the conversation, I have no fucking clue how anyone could convince me to go on a hike.

I will have to ask them when they get here how it happened, and why we are going so early.

I can't even go to sleep it's so early.

Now I am going to feel like a zombie pretty much tomorrow.

Not a like a zombie from I am legend. Why did they use zombies like that?

Is it just me or did that kill the movie?

Actually I enjoyed it until the women found him, gosh you fucking women just ruin everything.

Stay out of my zombie movies plx.

Alright I have like 1 minutes left to finish this journal before times up.

I have to fill up more space, but I have no idea what to say, oh my god I'm just typing in hopes that this leads to thought but I'm pretty sure that is not going to happen.......


I refuse to read what I just wrote, sorry for errors and incoherence. Let me know if it turned out alright.


:devcrazy-nara: Was awesome enough to draw one of my photos.




MY STAMP WOOT! DO YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH TO BRAND ME ON YOUR PAGE!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!??#?#@$?#@$?@#$?@!##$@

Hypocrisy Week.

My roommate challenged me to try and be a vegetarian for a week. This task would most likely not be terribly difficult if I was able to eat whatever I wanted(not including animals), but the challenge was to be a healthy vegetarian. So it was terribly difficult, because I am an American, and I enjoy blood.

This is an account of how it went.

Day 1- The sky is falling, the walls are mocking me, life is meaningless. I am trying not to engage in a conversation about food, because it will end with lettuce. The days are dreary, the sleep is short, I am an emotional wreck.

Day 2- (Refer To day 1)

Day 3- (Refer To day 2)

Day 4- (Refer To day 3)

Day 5- (Refer To day 4)

Day 6- (Refer To day 5)

Day 7- (Refer To day 6)

All in all as you can see it went pretty smooth. I think I got threw the week mostly because I had other shit to worry about.

Like having one foot that doesn't work due to playing Rockband drums to intensely.

Btw ladies, I play on expert, and have a 675 note streak on say it ain't so. Send me a note if you are interested.

I'm really not sure how or what got injured, all I know is that about 85% of the surface area of my right foot feels like someone is constantly pulling the skin off. It's a wonderful experience, and I am not religious, but I thank Jesus every night for allowing me to feel this way.

Although I am unable to walk, it's not my main course of misery.

I have also decided to flip out. And when I flip out, I pretty much flip out.

I moved to Arizona to play music, and I am not currently playing music.

This has caused in me a wave of panic and depression.

I am losing sleep because my stomach is empty.

I am losing sleep because my foot is on fire.

But I am losing massive amounts of sleep, because the creative idiot that is myself, has decided that it is not going to rest until this problem is fixed.

I think people used to think I was an insomniac because of how little sleep I got, and maybe I believed I was one also.

But now I know that I am different, because I don't want to sleep, I want to create shit, I want to be tired, I want to be consumed. And the time when all is quite and the world is asleep, is the time where my mind is a fully functional machine that of which most could not begin to understand.

They always asked me why I slept at the times I did, and whether I enjoyed missing my whole day. To which I replied by asking if they enjoyed missing their whole night.

I guess you could consider me a vampire from time to time.

Vampires can't really be vegetarians though...

Maybe that is why my body is deteriorating, and my world is collapsing. I probably just need to eat a fucking cow. Or bite some hot chick on the neck like they do in the movies. Or bite a hot chick with A1 sauce poured on her to become super revived.

I shall work on that.

I got threw the week though, and now I have been issued a new challenge to extend vegetarianism to one month. Which I have accepted. It will be rough, but I believe I can get threw it.

For now though I am going to figure out how to solve my depressive state.

I always tell people that if they wait until tomorrow to do what they want to do, then they are already failing. I don't want to say that I lost sight of my goal, but I was not putting my full ability into it like I should of. I am not happy with just being a good photographer. There are other things I would like to be involved in and accomplish. And I will work at them tirelessly and footlessly and meatlessly until I feel like I am heading in the correct direction.

If you think tomorrow is so close, and tomorrow you will be more then you were today. You are wrong.

You have to work at it everyday and want it more then anything.


BTW, if you are a vegetarian based on morals rather then nutrition, you are an extreme hypocrite, and this is not debatable.


Just another reminded that for being on DA for one year I will be doing a journal entry based on what I have learned on this site, and what information I think might help you along the way of achieving uber status or satisfaction. I have received quite some interesting questions which I will be answering.

So keep the questions coming, feel free to send me a note with whatever you are curious to know, and have answered in my Dec 30th Nub help journal.

MY STAMP WOOT! DO YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH TO BRAND ME ON YOUR PAGE!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!??#?#@$?#@$?@#$?@!##$@

Parking in-SPECTER

I am without a motor vehicle tonight.

This has caused some panic in my insides, as my insides enjoy driving around and doing meaningless activities when they all decide it's the proper time.

It is the proper time, and so my vital signs read danger and distress.

I'm having a bit of deja vu actually.

You see along time ago in the dark ages of this neighborhood that I live in, it was filled with turmoil and hostility. Murder,Rape, and pillage were very critical concerns, but parking....ahhh now parking was where the real battle was. One did not take an encroachment on their territory very lightly. One day I made the mistake of using a spot that was not mine, and woke up to my obtuse surprise, that my car had vanished. I searched far and wide within a twenty foot radius, until it dawned on me that I had indeed been towed for a violation of our communities parking rules.

I went threw what more or less could be considered a shitty day, but I will not use the word shitty in the description of that day, because kids read this journal, and kids are not supposed to be reading about shitty days, because the world is un-shitty, and anything shitty is to remain oblivious to their shitty ignorant little selves.

At the end of my shit ass day I finally got my car back, I had to petition to the high wizard who lived three doors down, to figure out how to do it. He guided me threw the three task of true truism, which was rough, but which I mustered enough strength to accomplish.

That night I succumbed to my avenging fever, and I went to my kitchen and grabbed my dagger of wrath with +3 to stealth, better known as a dinner knife. I went to the spot that I had been towed from, and dug my dagger deep within the three tires sitting underneath the camry which conveniently sat safe and sound in space to which my jeep once occupied.

I cut them deep, and I cut them well.

They would never be able to hold their precious air again.

Those were darker times...

These days we are more peaceful community, of course we still have our problems and our bitches running a "muk". But overall we get along, and we even have a chat out on the street here and there. Our murder rates were down even.

It seemed people didn't have time to squabble over a silly parking spot when their were plenty to go around.

Until tonight...

Someone thought it would be cute to call the tow company because my car was parked in an un-designated spot.

I am filled with a rage to which I could only express as being very very rage like.

Retaliation... of course, the answer is revenge. I will bring down terror on my tormentor.

Except he is a phantom.

The spot I got towed from is an un-used spot. Confirmed by the landlord, but yet unable to do anything since it was not my spot.

I would again petition to the high wizard for his wisdom and consolation on what to do in this grave situation. But he moved out long ago before when our times were clouded.

I think he moved to Scottsdale.

I am left to wallow in misery.

I am left to my entrails burning.

I am left to hear my roommate talk about mass effect and his uber character constantly.

But know this...

I will find out who you are and why you did this.

I will rain down a fury upon you like no other neighbor you have encountered before.

I will make the rubber of your treasured tires never roll the same again.

And I might even buy some ham and throw it on your car.

Because I will not be fucked with in this manner.

I am a kind and gentle human being, whom which must sit here in his house and watch movies without nourishment. I desperately want some Doritos and Gaterade, but you have rendered that an un-possibility. I hope you feel cozy and warm inside good sir, or good women, or good whatever the fuck you are.

I lie asleep for now, but not for long.
Soon you will see what I see, and Feel what I feel.
But don't worry, you'll know when I'm awake.


Honestly I'm not an angry person at all and that was me being silly. Sorry to scare anyone. It's all true though, except the high wizard. But I do have a dagger of +3 stealth.


I've almost been on DA for one year. I will be doing a journal entry dealing with all that I have learned in photography and on DA. Dealing with how to get noticed or any other little tricks that I have picked up. This stuff won't be the same old advice, I have some generally interesting and useful information for you that you probably wouldn't get anywhere else. So if you have some questions before hand you would like to ask and have answered in the journal entry, then shoot it at me, and maybe I will end up answering it in the journal.

Ok you all have a good week!