The Weed Farmer.

Disclaimer!-- The following story of events transcribed below is a 100% true and accurate account of the reason I was in California and what I did there. The people involved have expressed that they would like their names and the places involved to be changed in order to protect their identity and personal life.

I could really give less a fuck what other people want though.

So I ain't changing shit.

I came to California to harvest Weed.

And right now I'm sitting in front of more Weed then probably anyone reading this will ever see in their life, let alone at one time, in one room.

Basically my job is to trim this shit, and make it all pretty and what not.

Make it ready to go.

Ready to be in some kids bowl at USC while hes watching family feud instead of attending class.

He is going to get an F, and it's all because I trim like a mother fucking king.

Actually I probably suck.

But compared to everyone in the room, I'm pretty damn good.

My good friend Thason is trimming next to me, and hes is High as shit. I've never seen him this High. I think hes smoking a strain called Bruce Lee, which is funny because it's one of his idols.

It's good to see him smile, four days ago he was in a hospital bed because he OD'd.

Four days ago he almost died, and getting that phone call in the morning was not exactly amusing.

But that is kind of a different story.

We are way in the future. Four days in the future. We are trimming Weed for money in a half built cabin in the middle of bum fuck no where.

AKA Central California.

AKA where every stoner would love to be.

I'm not a stoner though, which makes this whole situation even more ridiculous.

In fact I've never even smoked Weed.

We would get into that, and most of you are probably saying to yourself "What the fuck! You are surrounded by Weed and it's free and you're not smoking!!!???!!"

But were not going to get into it, because frankly I get into it all the time, and I don't care to do it with you.

And since I'm writing

And you're reading

You're pretty much fucked if you are curious as to why.

Me and Thason are racing to see who can trim the most in one day. I'm currently averaging a little over two pounds a day, which is about a half pound more then Thason. He is going to beat me today though, he stole all the large buds. And since he has no moral standard even with his friends, he doesn't care that hes fucking me over. I'm not sure why hes even my friend, but I love him!

For the most part, he is the reason I'm in California.

For the most part, he is the reason I'm camping in the middle of a forest.

For the most part, he is the reason I'm going on my fourth day without a shower.

Not by choice though!

We run out of water here quite easily, and the four beautiful women that are in our company have to stay as good looking as possible, so they get first dibs.

I can't complain really.

I'm not much of a complainer.

But a bubble bath would be nice.

We shall be trimming a bunch of different types of weed while we are here.

I think they are.

-Monkey Balls
-Steves Shit
-Snow Caps
-Black Lime
-Bruce Lee
-Super Skunk

A couple of things you need to prepare for if you ever find yourself trimming Weed for ten hours a day.

-You need really good scissors, and I don't really mean sharp so much as durable. If they are way sharp, you will cut yourself, which I did the first day multiple times. You really just need them to not get sticky all the fucking time.

I like to make sure things run efficiently, so I clean my scissors a lot.

I clean them so good, that the other trimmers are trading me favors for a scissors cleaning.

I might as well just open a scissors cleaning business I'm that good.

But there probably isn't much money in it, so I will just have to let my dreams fade away.

Into a dark abyss.

- You need to move your neck position constantly. If you keep your neck in one place for a long time, it gets stiff as fuck. You would think that maybe hand cramps or something would be the biggest problem, but I assure you that if you don't rotate your neck like your watching a tennis match, then it's not going to be so pretty for you about seven hours in.

I really think you all should write this down.

These tips are money.

It's really not so hard once you get the hang out it, if you have a TV or radio and are with your friends, then it doesn't even feel like you're working.

One of the problems we are having is the hippies that are here with us.

I don't really mind hippies, I don't really judge people to much or care how they live their life.

But these hippies are problematic.

These hippies like to steal the Ipod player, and play Jimi Hendrix and Led Zepplin constantly.

And this is not a hippie joke.

I am literally listening to Jimi Hendrix for four hours at a time.

On top of this, they smell quite bad.

This bitch took a shower, and still smelled. I don't know how that is possible.

I'm guessing she turned the water on, and didn't get in, just to trick us into thinking she actually took a shower. I'm not sure what she would gain from this, but I'm a detective and will figure it out.

I'm making this all probably sound worse then it really is.

I can make anything interesting if it isn't.

I'm pretty much having a good time, and making money while doing it.

I'm in California for the first time, and it's really quite beautiful. I have never been around colors like this, and I find myself wanting to take a pictures of pretty much everything. I take a break from trimming here and there to walk around with my camera.

Hopefully I can get some good pictures for you all.

We shall see.

I wish you all could witness everything that goes around here, everything that I'm going threw these days. I'm having quite the adventurous life at the moment. I don't know how I find myself doing something this crazy almost every week.

Don't follow in my footsteps!

You'll probably find yourself in some trouble.

We can't all be a badass like me.

And take bubble baths and trim weed.

But if you ever decide to not listen to me, and find yourself on this kind of adventure.

I can clean your scissors real good, contact me, I'm serious!

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In case you don't believe me, here is a picture of Thason.

I still need to take pictures of my prada shoes. Sorry for the delay guys.

Until next time!